My New Year’s Anti-Resolutions
Most New Year’s resolutions can be summed up as:
Reform myself
Have less fun
Boooooooo!!!!!!!!!!
Don’t resolve to defeat your sinful nature in 2019. Embrace it.
Typical resolution: LOSE WEIGHT not about appearance, I just want to feel healthier.
Model of 5 lbs of fat at my endocrinologist.
Me: F*ck yeah I want to be thinner. Look good and have fun is the meaning of life.
I also want the Elio to go into production because Mr. Pennington and I put down a deposit on one at the Los Angeles Auto Show years ago. We are dreamers. Wouldn’t this look sick in our driveway?
More than two major political parties, that is another dream. You with me?
I’d also like to master Flexi Rods. Still not getting the beachy waves I long for.
All the rage on YouTube.
Typical resolution: EXERCISE MORE even though it is so inconvenient.
Me: Inconvenient, WTF? I ❤️ being strong. To be able to exercise and build muscle is a gift!
I used to be as slumpy and doughy as Lena Dunham. Have you read my site?
Typical resolution: NEVER EAT SUGAR it’s as bad as heroin.
Me: I have a lot of experience with morphine, and I can say with certainty, sugar is not heroin. Opiates destroy you. Sugar is good, clean fun.
With all that exercise, I need some simple carbs.
Here I am packing up Sprinkles to take home on the Metro on a hot summer day. That KitKat cupcake was something.
Typical resolution: DRINK MORE GREEN JUICE
Me: Ewww gross! And ouch, stomach ache! If I wanted to suck down that much sugar I would just have a milk shake.
Lots of toxins in vegetables (to keep predators from eating them) so don’t overdo it by drinking a pound of them.
I like to chew, so I’ll have a small salad, with room for dessert, please.
Two scrumptious desserts.
Typical resolution: GO VEGAN
Me: A trendy choice of questionable value. But I am looking for a vintage mink to add to my collection. #VintageIsVegan
Faux fake vintage rabbit jacket
. Faux fake vintage croc bag.
Typical resolution: BUY LESS
Me: Nope. Shopping is fun. So are nice things.
Sample sale at the CalMart.
Good times.
Typical resolution: USE WHAT I HAVE
Me: Already, do. I love my stuff. Otherwise why would I shop so much? If I buy it, I will find a place to wear it.
I got this vintage 1980s beaded gown for $30, with (tears of joy) every bead attached, confirmation that God exists and is watching over me. I found a place to wear it, alright. I got a ton of compliments, and I don’t even care if they were sincere. Plus I was warm.
Typical resolution: MEDITATE
Me: Oh, dear God no! I spent too much of my life alone with my eyes closed. Nearly lost my f*cking mind.
I strongly believe in following the Buddha’s example of excellent posture, and in Hello Kitty.
Do not text like that lady standing behind me. Tilt your head down from the very top of your neck (C1) to avoid spine strain, just like the Buddha waving down to us. Never never crumple your spine, slump, pelvis tuck or do a crunch, that would be a good resolution. I’ve got a book on how to stand up straight with ease if you need help.
Typical resolution: DRINK MORE WATER
Me: Already have to drink more than I want. My body does regulate fluid properly. Total f*cking hassle.
With salt, or water makes me more dehydrated.
Typical resolution: LEARN SOMETHING
Me: Only if it’s relaxing and adds pleasure to my life. And I can get a good selfie out of it.
How to complain and gossip in Japanese.
This one is a lie. I took up studying Japanese in a desperate effort to fix my opiate-damaged brain. It was torture, but when I became able to think and remember again, it was all worth it. Proof it worked: I passed JLPT N4. Japanese language textbooks are entertaining and adorable. That kept me going.
Typical resolution: SPEND LESS TIME ON FACEBOOK
Me: Ignore the Positivity Shaming common on EDS groups and in the entire world of disability.
Sick people are cranky. And negative. Chronic illness sucks.
It is very human to blame someone or something, rather than accept your bad luck, roll up your sleeves and deal with it. It is hard to manage rotten feelings with dignity.
Remember Autism Shamer Jenny McCarthy? She had a great time and made a lot of money casting herself as savior and crusader rather than treating her son’s rare seizure disorder. Imagine all the parents with sick children she steered away from proper medical care. I shake my head in sorrow.
Love and luck in 2019 to all us victims of chronic illness.
EDS gang sign.